Screaming on the Inside

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK glad to get that out. I feel like I am in a prison. My apartment has gone from safe haven/happy place to a prison. I am the personal security guard making myself stay in and work on practice con law essay questions. I was feeling fine until I started these questions and all of a sudden I was hit with how much information goes into answering these questions. It was like Tommy went to the refrigerator, got a cold glass of water, and then threw it in my face.

So then I start getting worried....how am I going to do this, how am I going to remember all this, AHHHHH!

I had to get out I threw on some workout pants and a rain jacket and walked to the mail box. When I got there I found a card from my mom. She is a great mom and sends me special encouraging cards to help me get through finals time. She knows that I get like this.

Anyways inside she cut out a message from the church bulletin from Father John....I liked it so I cam going to share it with yall....

"When I woke up this morning lying in bed, I was asking myself what are some of the secrets of success in life? I found the answer right there in my room.
The fan said be cool.
The roof said aim high.
The window said see the world.
The mirror said reflect before you act.
The calendar said to be up-to-date.
The door said push hard for your goals.
And the carpet said kneel down and pray.

Carry a heart that never hates.
Carry a smile that never fades.
Carry a touch that never hurts.

Have a purposeful day in the Lord."

Fellow studiers hope that helps yall as much as it helped me. Back to studying.

I can sum up the entire day in one sentence...

I can sum up my entire day in one sentence, woke up, vacuumed, finished typing my con law notes, printed out my con law notes, read my con law notes, lunch, walk, read my con law notes again, dinner....and then I HAD to get out of the house so I went to Barnes and Nobles and bought a new book to read at night time. It is called "The Undomestic Goddess" by Sophie Kinsella. I know it was not a book that I put on my reading list but it just jumped out at me. The character is an attorney who gets fed up at the office leaves and is suddenly hired as a housekeeper....


I am excited about starting it tonight. I am sorry I just cannot read outlines before bed. My room is my safe haven and I do not allow books relating to law in there. Only nice happy things like magazines and brainless reading. The chair in the living area is devoted to reading outlines and supplements.

It is not that I hate studying or that I hate con law it is just that I get so dang bored. I have nothing to look forward to in my day. It is so bland. Poor Tommy can not take me out to eat or to a movie so it is just me. I am so ready for studying and finals to be over with. Not because I dread taking the test (well sort of) but I cannot wait to be at home with my family and to where I get to see Steven every day. As much as I like being alone (as you may have read in a past post) I do get tired of it. Especially when it stretches on and there is no end in sight.

Well I guess I need to get back to studying con law..those pages of the outline aren't going to turn themselves.

P.S. I burnt my finger today getting a pizza out of the oven. It hurts super bad.

P.P.S a new episode of the Real Housewives of NYC come on tonight! Whoop I cannot wait! I am curious to see what Alex says to Jill that makes Jill so mad. Looks like we will find out tonight!

A List

This is my reading list for the summer...believe it or not law school has not made me hate reading...it has made me appreciate reading for fun even more!






Of course there are more items on my list but I do not feel like looking up images for them... I want to finish Dan Brown's "The Lost Symbol" and read Ann Brashares "The Last Summer of You and Me"

Ahh I CAN NOT wait until I can just read books I want to read!

Cat People v Dog People

Today I took Tommy to the vet so he could get a general check up and while waiting I started looking around and thinking...how are cat people different from dog people? I am a cat person. Ever since I was a little girl I have adored cats. But also ever since I was a little girl my family has had a dog. Don't get me wrong I loved all the family dogs...but I bonded more with my cat. My family has gone through many cats....we just had our string of bad luck with outside cats wandering away, eating something bad, and having a fight with a car...and car winning. But the cat I most remember from my child hood was Belle. My dad found her behind his office and brought her home. She was not the prettiest cat but I liked her. She kept to herself and made her home on the corner of my bed. I loved that cat. We were a lot a like....we liked to go into my room close the door and be left alone.

Now I have my cat Tommy who is the LOVE of my life. Just ask Steven, Jackie or Kaytlyn. They will tell you that I talk about Tom all the time. Maybe not all the time but a lot. He is my baby.

I relate with cats more than dogs....I am not a clingy person and like to be left alone. I enjoy being by myself and not being bothered. Now do not get me wrong I do enjoy going out to dinner with friends, hanging out with my boyfriend, being with my family, and laughing with people but I also enjoy coming home laying on my couch and doing my own thing. I will take a leap and even call myself pretty independent. Cats are like this too. Tommy loves me and I love him but we like our own space. He will lay in his bed and just stare at me while I call him....thinking to himself "I am staying here stop saying my name." But then when he decides he will jump up on the couch next to me and purrr while I pet him.

Dogs just get on my nerves. All their nasty slobber and you have to walk them and they jump on you. Do not get me wrong dogs are great companions...always there for you and you can see it in their eyes that they love you...but I know Tommy loves me without him slobbering all on me. Also dogs stink sometimes.

So I started wondering if anyone had done a study to see if dog people and cat people are different and I found this http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/01/13/cat.dog.personality/index.html And there is a difference. I do not know how much truth there is to this but I thought it was interesting.

Also here are some funny cat quotes...

"A dog will flatter you but you have to flatter the cat."- George Mikes

"You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals."- George Mikes

"You own a dog but you feed a cat."- Jenny de Vries

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." - Missy Dizick

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"A cat sees no good reason why it should obey another animal, even if it does stand on two legs."- Sarah Thompson

"Cats are kindly masters, just so long as you remember your place."- Paul Gray

"One must love a cat on its own terms."- Paul Gray

Disclaimer....I do love dog people!

What is your worry profile?

So I just took a quiz and found out I am a control freak..that is my worry profile. I could have told you this without the quiz but it was cool seeing what exactly triggers my stressors and how to cope with stress. When I am not in control of a situation I begin to freak out. I start worrying and all of a sudden the fun vanishes and I am in hell. Steven can attest to this. He is very laid back and a have fun kind of guy whereas I am the girl at the bar freaking out if she doesn't know exactly how she is going to get home. So if you see me out at a bar and I am not drinking a lot...know that it is because I am worrying about how I am going to get home/like to be in control of my night/am probably staying sober so I can drive myself home.

How I perform on finals in law school is something I can not have absolute control over. I can study my hardest and put my best foot forward but as far as when 6 p.m. on that dreaded day comes all I can do is pray and go into auto-pilot.

I am trying to start this whole new well-being body and soul concept. I know it sounds stupid to some...maybe trendy to others...it is my new thing. Ever since I was sick last week I have not been able to drink coffee or red bull. My stomach is still sensitive so instead I have been drinking tea. I feel so much better. I actually have more energy and am more awake. Maybe it is a psychological thing or maybe it is actually working but natural ways of having energy are working for me. Now a couple of weeks ago I would have told you that law school was not possible without large amounts of caffeine including but not limited too...red bull...coffee...caffeine pills. But like I said I am on this new kick and feeling great! Also I have become a lot more aware of what I put in my mouth. So today after school I went to Kroger and bought some ingredients to make a fresh summer salad....it included spinach leaves, blue berries, walnuts, feta cheese, and raspberry vinaigrette. It was delicious!

Also before bed instead of laying awake worrying about how I probably should still be studying, thinking I dont deserve to sleep, and worrying about life in general...I have started reading magazines. Right now I have Vogue, Real Simple, and Body + Soul by my bed. AND I am sleeping better.

OK I do not know if it is just me....maybe I am going crazy...but it is actually working!

Body+Soul is where I took the worry profile quiz and they have a lot of great articles about stress and anxiety and how to try and tame it...for all you out there studying for finals or just stressing out generally go to http://www.wholeliving.com/photogallery/4-steps-to-less-stress and check it out! I am not a paid spokes person. I just liked the site.

Also it is just another way to procrastinate.

Just a thought

My mom mailed this to me....she cut it out of the church bulletin...reading these words helped me breathe a little better with a smile on my face through this stressful time..I do not know who the author is or where it originally came from...but I hope these words do whatever they are suppose to do for you who are reading them....

"I wish for you.."
Comfort on difficult days,
Smiles when sadness intrudes,
Rainbows to follow the clouds,
Laughter to kiss your lips,
Sunsets to warm your heart,
Gentle hugs when spirits sag,
Friendships to brighten your being,
Beauty for your eyes to see,
Confidence for when you doubt,
Faith so that you can believe,
Courage to know yourself,
Patience to accept the truth,
And love to complete your life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God Bless you!
I asked the Lord to bless you
As I prayed for you today
To guide you and protect you
As you go along your way...
His love is always with you
His promises are true,
You know He will be with you
And always see you through.
So when the road you're traveling on
Seems difficult at best
Just know that He is with you
And God will do the rest!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Right now I am in the midst of outlines and supplements and I feel like I am drowning. My heart beats fast and I question myself..."did I learn anything this semester." Then I read these words and a sudden calm washes over me.....knowing that God is with me on this path and that he will be with me till the end...gives me a sense of relief. With God anything is possible and I am so thankful to know that he is in my heart and with me on my journey!

Mistakes

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes"-Oscar Wilde

How do you become an experienced cook....or an experienced newspaper editor.....or an experienced business woman....without making a couple of mistakes along the way. How do we learn without mistakes. There are two ways a person can look at mistake: (1) get mad upset even cry and not learn from it or (2) look at it as a learning experience and find a way to not make that mistake again...or not to make the mistake often. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life...with boys...with friends...with clothing (short skirts and mid-drift circa high school). Each of those mistakes taught me a lesson...with boys...find a boy who is honest and doesn't lie or cheat ...check found Steven.....with friends..there are too many lessons learned there to share and with clothing...I gave my abercrombie and fitch and hollister clothes to Goodwill a long time ago...and now am onto more classic pieces. At least I hope.

Nobody is perfect and the sooner I accepted the fact that life was not going to be perfect I was able to appreciate my life for what it is. Today I try and view my mistakes as a lesson learned instead of having a break down. Having break down and temper tantrums are not productive at all...and trying to see the silver lining in your mistakes is a better way to view them.

To end this post...I will be quoting the lovely Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City..I think I may have posted this quote before...but if the shoe fits wear it again I say...

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart..."

The Next Best Thing To Granny's Cooking...

When I was a little girl my mom would take me down to Granny's when I was sick. Granny would take care of me and nurse me back to health with her homemade chicken noodle soup or her homemade vegetable soup. Whatever magical food she served me it was homemade. This week for the first time in my entire life I was sick and pretty much alone. My mom wasn't there to hug me and tell me everything would be alright and Granny wasn't here to cook me up something special. I count my blessings that my loving aunt/godmother was here to take care of me.

The next best thing to Granny's cooking is Luby's! My aunt brought me chicken noodle soup from Luby's and jello from Luby's. And the past two nights Luby's has been my dinner. Thank you Luby's for helping me get through my sickness.

Growing up is hard....it is hard enough cleaning up after yourself, washing your clothes, and preparing meals...but being sick by yourself is on a whole other level. I survived and I guess it is safe to say that I am slowly growing up....

Food Poisoning

Something is new in my life....I have/am getting over food poisoning.

Tuesday evening I went to meet my friend at a certain Mexican food restaraunt...I got a yummy taco salad with fajita meat on it just like I ALWAYS get...and like I ALWAYS like it. I gobbled it down and went home to study the night away. Around 8 o clock my stomach started feeling weird and I just thought it was because I was beginning to realize that I am nowhere near where I need to be in the Torts outline....I pushed the anxiety aside and pressed on. Finally around 11 I decided to go to bed hoping that all I needed was to go to sleep....and a good nights sleep would cure my stomach ache. I tossed and turned and curled into a ball trying to make the pain stop...didnt work. Finally I faced reality and headed to the bathroom to sit on the bath mat and patiently await my stomach fireworks. We all know what happened next....after an hour hugging the toilet I crawled back into bed and started crying. I felt so alone...and all I wanted was my mommy...so I called her. The night was a restless one and come morning I was still feeling awful. I was suffering from chills, a headache, and stomach pain I can not describe. I took my temperature ....101.2. I was sick.....I thought I was going to die. As the day progressed my fever went to 102 and that was when my aunt picked me up and took me to the doctor. The doctor said I had food poisoning and gave me a miracle shot in my butt that made me sleep all day. I am on medicine now but am still weak and icky feeling. Of all times WHY NOW?? Why did I have to get food poisoning during finals study time. Of all things. Needless to say I will not be eating Mexican food again and for sure will never eat from that restaurant again. I am just trying to slowly work on homework and take it easy. Being sick sucks.

Nothing New

I do not know why I am even writing a blog post because there is nothing new going on in my life...I am studying for finals....hanging out with Tommy....and yup thats about it.

And yup this was a waste of time.

P.S. I havent used the word "yup" like ever..have no idea why all of a sudden I felt like using it tonight.

TGIF

This post is for the kids who grew up in the 90's. I remember growing up ever Friday night rushing my parents through dinner at our local Mexican food restaurant so I could get home to watch TGIF on ABC. The line up consisted of Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Boy Meets World. Other shows that were on TGIF were Family Matters and Step by Step. I would sit in front of the tv and smile because I was so happy it was Friday and I was watching TGIF. What happened to TGIF? One day when I have kids what are my kids going to watch on Friday nights?




I remember watching Boy Meets World and wishing I had long pretty hair like Topanga and thinking how cool it was she had a boy like Cory Matthews want to take her out on dates. And of course there was Mr. Finney with his words of wisdowm. O TGIF..those were the days.

Then of course Saturday mornings consisted of Saved by the Bell, California Dreams, and Hang Time.

Power Heels

It is amazing how a change of an outfit can change the way people perceive you. Tuesday I went into Best Buy in a summer cotton dress flip flops and a headband....automatically the sales guy asked me if I was a student...(college student....highschool student......) and I said yes I was I am a law student. He then told me about the laptop I was interested in and said it would do all the things I needed it to do. I purchased it and went on my merry way. Of course when I got home shit hit the fan and the laptop did not work how it was suppose to. It would not connect to the internet and I had the joy of talking to three ppl on the phone about how to fix the problem. You could tell each man on the phone though I was some stupid helpless female who didnt know a thing. I got so frustrated. I went back to Best Buy and the guys there were nice but still treated me as if I was some dumb blonde who didnt have a clue about anything since I wasnt all pimply and wearing a "Star Trek" T-shirt. Anyways they were nice and said they would exchange it for a new one and I would be able to pick it up the next day. Well yesterday I had to wear my new black suit to school because I had my oral argument for LRW. Dressed to impress with my new black heels and suit on I went into Best Buy after school to pick up my laptop. When I got to the counter the salesman addressed as "Mam" and handed me the laptop. He proceeded to ask me what business I was in and instead of telling him I was a law student...I said "law." You should have seen his reaction.....yes this blonde hair blue eyed girl is smart!! It felt so good being respected. Often times I doubt whether all this school work is worth it...but yesterday knowing that one day when people ask me what I do ...I will be able to proudly say "I am an attorney."



In today's world I think women still face that age old battle of proving to men we can be just as smart and successful as them. I feel like women have to work that much harder to be seen as smart and intelligent. Even though more women are attending law school than before and women are making more money than their husbands in some households.....some people still have a hard time realizing that just because women have boobs and are able to have babies that doesn't take away from our potential.

An Unhealthy Obsession

I have an unhealthy obsession with Sex and the City. The fashion, the friendship, and the fun Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha have. Why can't I be Carrie Bradshaw. Write a sex article for a living, live in a fabulous apartment in NYC and shop for my cardio. Not to mention wear designer labels and beautiful shoes. Watching Sex and the City is my escape from reality. For thirty minutes I escape from the stresses of law school and become entrenches in the life of Carrie Bradshaw. For those thirty minutes I forget that I should be studying for finals or that finals or a month away..instead my eyes are draw to the fashion and the story line and I forget.



“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”-Carrie Bradshaw

"I heart ny"

Since I do not have facebook anymore to distract me from my studies I decided to watch my favorite episode of Sex and the City which is "I heart ny" from Season 4. One of my favorite movies is Breakfast at Tiffany's and in the "I heart ny" episode" Carrie and Big dance to "Moonriver." The underlying theme of the episode is change...summer turning into fall...Miranda starts a new chapter in her life with baby Brady, and Carrie starts a new season of her life with Big gone. I cannot put my finger on it but it is my all time favorite episode.

"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cites. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away"-Carrie

Staying with the change theme...I bought a suit yesterday. Slowly but surely I am having to grow up. Unlike some college graduates who have to transition from college student to working adult in one summer I am getting three years to transition (law school takes three years). Going from fun college student into responsible law school student has been one of the hardest changes for me. Each day I feel more stress on my shoulders....be it making good grades, taking the right classes, hoping these three years will pay off in the end. Looking in the mirror yesterday at myself in a "big girl" suit I thought to myself "wow you finally look the part...you are finally looking like a lawyer."

Well back to studying so I can not only look like a lawyer but actually become one...

Password Invalid...

So this morning....like every morning...I sat down on my couch with my cup of coffee and went to log in to facebook. I put in my email address typed in my password...AND.....it said PASSWORD INVALID! What! I calmly took a breath and retyped my password...again PASSWORD INVALID...frantically I tried to log in again and again...still did not work. Come to find out my loving, caring, boyfriend changed my password without my knowledge because he thinks I get on facebook to avoid studying for finals. That is not the whole truth..Yes I get on facebook probably more than I should BUT I like to call study breaks my facebook breaks. So today when I got home from school instead of relaxing and getting on facebook I had to think of other activities to do ... like laundry.

Don't worry I still have my blog and twitter...he can not take those distractions away from me!

So I guess I start studying for finals now...

The brief is turned in and as happy I am about that....this means I do not have an excuse to not study for finals anymore. In law school you have to start studying for finals four weeks in advance. Why? Well there is so much material....law school outlines a lot of times are at least 40-60 pages unlike undergrad where you were lucky to get a 20 page outline out of the material. So having to memorize and understand the concepts embedded in 60 pages of black and white ink takes a good while to learn. I do not mind studying for finals really....drinking coffee and sitting on my couch with Tommy studying and memorizing isnt that bad. What gets me is still having to drag my lazy butt to school everyday. At this point in the semester I begin viewing class as a waste of time instead of a place where I learn.....I would rather just stay home and study....because when I get home from a long day of class I am so tired. Thank the lord for Red Bull...I do not know how i ever survived law school without it. The bright side of starting to study for finals means that we only have a month left of school and summer is right around the corner. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I AM ALMOST DONE WITH MY FIRST YEAR OF LAW SCHOOL!! AHHHH can you believe it?

On another note...last night I met two of my old friends from high school for wine and dessert. It was great seeing them and we talked for about 3 hours straight. Wine + Girls=Girl talk.....I need to make an effort to see them more because I enjoy catching up with them.

Happy Tuesday!

Easter Weekend

THE BRIEF IS DONE! It is bound and sitting in my bag all ready to be turned in tomorrow. I can not look at it because I am to afraid I will find a typo or realize I did the whole stinking thing wrong. So I stuck it in my backpack to never look at it again..or at least until I get my grade on it.

Ahhhh....Saturday at 1:00 when the brief was done I got ready and headed to the South East Texas State Fair! It was definitely warmer than I expected but it was nice to get my vampire white legs and arms out in the sun. I ate a crawfish pistoulett, corn dog, Wisconsin fried cheese, boudain balls, and cheesecake on a stick covered in chocolate. Go ahead and judge me...but I told yall that I was going to drown my sorrows in fair food..and that is exactly what I did.

Steven and I watched Office Space on Saturday night and I was dying laughing. I forgot how funny that movie is...or maybe I appreciate it more now because I am older..? Either way I was laughing so hard....."Damn it feels good to be a gangsta"

Today was EASTER!! HE IS RISEN!! I enjoyed going to Easter Mass this morning with the family and then eating Easter lunch at Granny's. I have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Easter